What NOT to do in the hospital...Talkin' Shop.

Yo!! If you've learned anything from my Talkin' Shop posts (click for a direct link to all of my prior TS posts!) you'll know that I love to fill you in on the side of labor and delivery most people don't see, or, heck, even know exists.

This, my friends...is a "What NOT to Do" post. Listen up.

You hear me?

ARE YOU LISTENING????

Okay then. Now that I have your attention...

First things first, do NOT, whatever you do, miss out on ENJOYING your birth! Try not to get caught up in worry and fear of the unknown...birthing a babe is the most amazing thing in the whole world, do NOT let anything overshadow that.

Next, do NOT forget to brush your teeth. Many, many times during labor. Or, at the very least, suck on a mint.

Just don't choke on it...there's too much paper work involved in that sort of thing.

Try not, if you can at all help it, to name your sweet, lovely, unborn, unsuspecting newborn: "Vitamin". Please. Just...well, just please.

Remember, do NOT eat anything that you will NOT want to taste twice. Subway may sound like a fabulous choice prior to coming to the hospital, but regurgitated Subway really isn't all it's cracked up to be. (And, MAN ALIVE!! Does it stink!)

If you happen to be in the hospital in preterm labor, and you are on the monitors, what ever you do, do NOT let your significant other talk you into...er...into...ahem...ah...well, don't let them talk you into anything. *coughlikesexcough*

Because, if you should happen to...ah...you know, do something...your monitors will get all wonky and your nurse will come in to check out what on earth is going on with those goofy monitors.

We labor and delivery nurses aren't used to seeing strange naked men. Med/surg nurses, sure...but not L&D nurses.

And besides, you really shouldn't be doing, ahem...you know...if you are having pre-term labor.

Alrighty, then...moving on...

Whatever else you may forget to bring to the hospital, do NOT forget to bring your nurse chocolate. Or cookies. Or, maybe a cream puff. Dire things can happen if those are forgotten.

If you can at all help it, try NOT to refer to your cervix as "the hole". It's just really not that classy. And, cervix isn't a grody word...not like it's partner in crime, vagina (See? I have no problem writing that...vagina, vagina, vagina...it's just that I hate saying it. So, please...never ask me to. Thank you in advance.) so it's really not bad to say.

And, lastly...

Do not EVER, ever, ever, never, ever, rely on the 5 second rule in a hospital. *shudder* Do you have any idea what goes on on those floors?

Ew.

The end.

Dear Friends...

So as not to cause you undue worry and concern, I'm giving you an update on my concussion boy.

Oh, wait...you had no idea of the concussion saga? Well then, apparently you need to follow me on Twitter. ;)

It's kind of a long story...so I'll try not to be too wordy.

Ahem...here goes:

Friday night, my boy complains of a headache. Saturday morning he wakes up early (and by early I mean, I wasn't awake when he left at the God awful hour of 6 am...I mean who invented 6 am anyway?! I hear by call to abolish 6am...any 'yays'?) and leaves to go to a football game.

I pick him up from said football game when the bus delivered him to the high school at 3 pm. He was quiet, droopy, and smelly. Not talkative, at all, but that's not overly unusual for him.

We drop off his friend, and The Pal tells me he feels wonky and that he took a "helmet to helmet" hit at the game. Being he looks so punk, I feel his forehead and lo and behold...he's warm! We get home and take his temp, which is 101.0. Yup, 101.0 on the nuts.

I chalk up his wonkiness to being ill, pass off the word to his dad, and he leaves to his dad's for the weekend...with this text coming in from his dad: "If he pukes, I'm bringing him in."

Yes. Amen. Uh huh. I agree. Puke = head injury = not good = bring him in. I am very glad that his dad is not afraid to take him to the doctor...it gives me a sense of relief.

The weekend passes, I text The Pal here and there checking in on his status (whoa, this is getting wordy, in'it? Hang in there...I'm getting to the update....) and I always get an "okay" when I ask him how he's feeling.

Today rolls around, and in the midst of banging, pounding, barking, sneezing, mouse trap setting, I get a phone call from The Pal's dad and he tells me that he (Pal) is still dizzy. Oh great balls of fire.

I call the clinic and am told "He should be evaluated" (seriously, do they ever say anything other than that anyway?), I call the coach and am told, "He should be evaluated"...so I bring him in to have him "evaluated".

What I thought would be a 15 minute appointment, rapidly turned into 2 hours. All the while, my poor mother had my other 4 unruly children at the mall. Poor thing. Lab tests ensued...blood count = inconclusive, strep test = negative...which means the "easy answers" were out, which means we needed to irradiate my boy.

One negative CT scan later and I'm told, "Yup. We've got to consider him as having a concussion." Because of his "injury" and his symptoms, they've gotta be safe.

So, while my mommy gut is still telling me that this is all related to an illness (why ELSE would he run a fever?), we're operating on concussion mode...which means NO football until he is headache free for one week and he needs a follow up appointment in one week.

Guess I shouldn't have worried about how we were going to meet our Med Flex amount.

Dear God,

It's me, Mama.

Could you please replace the apples on our trees with $100 bills? I'd greatly appreciate it. Oh, and while I have you...could you see about getting rid of this dadgum pollen in the air?

I promise I'll pray the rosary every night for the rest of my life.

Over and out.

Amen.

Chaos.

My home is a mess of boom trucks:

Curious kids:

Wigged out dogs:

An escapee mouse: (PS...hairy stuff is not from mouse, it is from the bottom of the couch. Don't ask.)

And a boogery, sneezy, cranky, sweaty, tired mama:

Image unavailable.

I did not want to be responsible

for the peeing in of pants

and/or

the possibility of

computer monitor breakage.

You're welcome.

Please send help. And a bottle of wine Zyrtec.

It's time for a Date...ACHOOOO!!

Hello, friends. This is Mama M., reporting live from the "Epic Allergy Attack of 2010". *ACHHHOOOOOO!

Please excuse me, if I sneeze. *ACHHHOOOOO!

Currently, I'm wondering where a body metabolizes Zyrtec, 'cuz I'm thinking that maybe if I take the whole bottle, then, perhaps, I'll be able to stop this sneezing and sniffling and red runny eye business I've got goin' on. And, I'm sort of at the point where I'm thinking that the risk of needing, say, a liver transplant would be worth a little relief from this. I kid. Sort of.

I've taken to wearing my N95 mask from work and a space suit when I go outside. Yes, I may look funny, but I'll do what it takes to prevent that damn pollen from getting near me.

In fact, speaking of space...maybe I'll move. To Mars. I hear there are no trees there. Or grass. Or ragweed or goldenrod or whateverthehell it is that is making me sneeze 8,936,173 times a day.

Ack! I'm sorry for whining...I'm not usually a such complainer, but DANG! Whoever died and made pollen God needs to be hunted down and tortured.

Pollen, I hate you. Yes, hate.

I would love to show you a photo of me right now...eyes swollen to little slits, bright red and glossy, and the look of a perpetual sneeze on my face. But, I'll spare you the sight, because if you did actually see me, you would burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter and I would be responsible for the peeing of many pants.

Trust me when I tell you it ain't pretty.

Shall we get onto Date night? ;)

This week, I'd like to introduce you to:

Natalie

from

Mommy of a Monster (I Mean Toddler) and Infant Twins

Written by Natalie, a stay-at-home mom of three under three, an honest blog about trying to keep my sanity in the chaos of my everyday life. No subject off limits, no BS allowed. If you're looking for June Cleaver, you won't find her here!

Natalie is a busy mom of three, her blog is adorable, and she co-hosts a fun weekly blog hop! Head on over to say 'hi' to Natalie, and tell her Mama sent you!

I know I keep mentioning something "new" with the Personals that I have up my sleeve...but stay tuned, it's getting closer! If you'd like to be listed in my Personals, head on over here for the deets (just try to forgive the wonky spacing...that page is so whacked right now, I can't figure out how to fix it!)

See you tomorrow! *ACHHHHOOOOO!! (Oops, sorry, I forgot to cover my mouth on that one, did I get you?)

Edited to add:

PS...While I'm waiting for the allergist to call me back, I'd love suggestions, advice...what works for you? Has anyone done the allergy shots? I'd really rather not move to Mars...although, I haven't ruled it out! ;)

Happy Birthday...

to you...

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear mine mama...Happy Birthday to you!

Happy "Diamond Platinum" Birthday, mom!

Five Question Friday! 8/27/10

It's Frrrriiiiiiddddaaaayyyyy!!! Welcome to Five Question Friday!

And...ah...you know, in case I haven't mentioned it yet...it's the last day to vote for my video submission on YouTube! Ack!! I'm a bundle of nerves...it is SUCH a close race...so, pretty pretty please, vote for me?!

I can not believe that we are in our last weeks of "summer"...in quotes, 'cuz I always feel like summer ends when school begins...even tho' "technically" it doesn't! Makes me wanna cry just a little bit.

I don't like summer to end. :(

The Mr. and I went to a political...er...event (?) last night, and I'm afraid a fire has been lit under his back side. Friends...I am sooooo not cut out to be a politician's wife. I will have to go to some sort of "finishing school" for political wives or something, if he should ever run for office. Heaven help us all (from me, not him. He'd be great. Me...not so much.).

Anywho, onto Five Question Friday!!

Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then go to YouTube to vote for my video. (I kid. I KID!! Well, I mean, I want you to vote for me, but it's not a 5QF rule!) Then, c'mon back Friday morning and link up!

Feel free to answer the questions in the comments if you don't have a blog!

Questions for Friday, August 26th: (Special thanks to Pam, Deanna, Sandy, Jill, and Julianne for their question suggestions! If YOU would like to be linked in a future 5QF, c'mon over to my community, and offer up your best question suggestions!)

1. How many pets do you have?

2. If you could switch places with anyone in the world for one day, who would it be?

3. What is your favorite money saving tip?

4. What do you want your kids to be when they grow up?

5. What is your favorite quote?

---------------------------

1. How many pets do you have?

We have one. And, IMO, it's one too many.

Wait! Before you "UNFOLLOW" 'cuz you think I'm a pet hater...hear me out.

I'm not a hater. I'm just not a lover. I think it's because I've got so many kids, taking care of one more living, breathing, needing (emphasis on the "needing" part) just sends me a bit over the edge.

Then, there's that whole "drive by licking" things that dogs do that send me over the edge.

That, and they eat their poop and lick their butts.

Grody.

2. If you could switch places with anyone in the world for one day, who would it be?

Okay...you'll probably think I'm a dork...but, well...someone like Carrie Underwood.

Young. Gorgeous. Talented.

For just once in my life, I'd love to experience what it would be like to walk on a stage with an arena full of people screaming for me. But just once.

3. What is your favorite money saving tip?

Um, well...I'll show you:

This girl...she keeps me home. And keeping me home, in turn, saves me money.

I used to love shopping. Now, I develop a nervous tick whenever the thought of even going to the mall enters my mind.

4. What do you want your kids to be when they grow up?

Okay...get ready for the cliche of your lifetime...

Happy.

I want my kids to be happy when they grow up.

Rich, successful, HAPPY doctors and lawyers that is. ;)

Kidding! I really, honestly, truly do want them to be happy. If they are happy, then they are successful.

You can't define success by how much cash a person has, or how nice their cars are...if they are happy, they are successful.

5. What is your favorite quote?

Oh, gosh. You know...quotes to me are like books...as soon as I read one, I think "Hey! That's a great one!" and then I promptly forget it...

There are a few I remember...

"There once was a man from Nantucket..." ...er, wait. That's a limerick, I think. ;)

How 'bout this:

"While the days seem long,

The years go fast."

Or, Sandy (the Sandy from the link above...) has this Dr. Seuss quote on her blog:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I love that. I love the message of being true to yourself!

----------------------------------

And with that, my friends...I'm outtie! Have a great weekend!

Thursday Night 5QF Sneak Peek!!

Hey friends! I can't believe it's Thursday already! And you know what that means?

Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! (Bet you didn't see that one coming!) But...tomorrow isn't just ANY old Friday...it's also the LAST day for "Liking" my YouTube video for the Tasteful Selections contest I'm in!

I could really use your votes...it's a close race! Here is the link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAEJkXhGFjw) for the video, and remember...you need to be signed into YouTube in order for your "Like" to count! You guys are the greatest! And, thanks for helping me out on this one!

Alright...well, it's time for the Thursday Night Sneak Peek for Five Question Friday! This post is your chance to get the questions ahead of time and get your post all ready to link up when I post the linky on Friday morning!

Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then go to YouTube to vote for my video. (I kid. I KID!! Well, I mean, I want you to vote for me, but it's not a 5QF rule!) C'mon back tomorrow (Friday) morning and link up!

Feel free to answer the questions in the comments if you don't have a blog!

Questions for Friday, August 26th: (Special thanks to Pam, Deanna, Sandy, Jill, and Julianne for their question suggestions! If YOU would like to be linked in a future 5QF, c'mon over to my community, and offer up your best question suggestions!)

1. How many pets do you have?

2. If you could switch places with anyone in the world for one day, who would it be?

3. What is your favorite money saving tip?

4. What do you want your kids to be when they grow up?

5. What is your favorite quote?

------------------

See y'all tomorrow! And, thanks in advance for voting! (You did vote, right?) ;)

This is a Public Service Announcement...

These, are your kids (well, they're mine...but for fun, let's just pretend, 'kay?)...

These are your kids on drugs.

Any questions?

No?

Well, lemme tellya something anyway...Dramamine. It's your best travel companion.

Let that be a lesson learned.

You're welcome.

Back to regular programming now...

Oh give me a home...

Where the buffalo roam...

This little guy (girl?) better watch out...he (she?) picked a bad angle to nurse from!!

Awww...I'm kinda missing South Dakota...and all those buffalo (is the plural of buffalo, buffalo? Or would it be, buffaloes? buffalae?)...and that amazing blue sky!