Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What NOT to do in the hospital...Talkin' Shop.


Yo!! If you've learned anything from my Talkin' Shop posts (click for a direct link to all of my prior TS posts!) you'll know that I love to fill you in on the side of labor and delivery most people don't see, or, heck, even know exists.

This, my friends...is a "What NOT to Do" post. Listen up.

You hear me?

ARE YOU LISTENING????

Okay then. Now that I have your attention...

First things first, do NOT, whatever you do, miss out on ENJOYING your birth! Try not to get caught up in worry and fear of the unknown...birthing a babe is the most amazing thing in the whole world, do NOT let anything overshadow that.

Next, do NOT forget to brush your teeth. Many, many times during labor. Or, at the very least, suck on a mint.

Just don't choke on it...there's too much paper work involved in that sort of thing.

Try not, if you can at all help it, to name your sweet, lovely, unborn, unsuspecting newborn: "Vitamin". Please. Just...well, just please.

Remember, do NOT eat anything that you will NOT want to taste twice. Subway may sound like a fabulous choice prior to coming to the hospital, but regurgitated Subway really isn't all it's cracked up to be. (And, MAN ALIVE!! Does it stink!)

If you happen to be in the hospital in preterm labor, and you are on the monitors, what ever you do, do NOT let your significant other talk you into...er...into...ahem...ah...well, don't let them talk you into anything. *coughlikesexcough*

Because, if you should happen to...ah...you know, do something...your monitors will get all wonky and your nurse will come in to check out what on earth is going on with those goofy monitors.

We labor and delivery nurses aren't used to seeing strange naked men. Med/surg nurses, sure...but not L&D nurses.

And besides, you really shouldn't be doing, ahem...you know...if you are having pre-term labor.

Alrighty, then...moving on...

Whatever else you may forget to bring to the hospital, do NOT forget to bring your nurse chocolate. Or cookies. Or, maybe a cream puff. Dire things can happen if those are forgotten.

If you can at all help it, try NOT to refer to your cervix as "the hole". It's just really not that classy. And, cervix isn't a grody word...not like it's partner in crime, vagina (See? I have no problem writing that...vagina, vagina, vagina...it's just that I hate saying it. So, please...never ask me to. Thank you in advance.) so it's really not bad to say.

And, lastly...

Do not EVER, ever, ever, never, ever, rely on the 5 second rule in a hospital. *shudder* Do you have any idea what goes on on those floors?

Ew.

The end.


28 comments:

  1. SERIOUSLY?! People have tried to have sex during pre-term labor... WHY?! omg.

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  2. You crack me up!

    There was a woman in the hospital with my friend who decided it was a great idea to have sex right after giving birth...and wound up pregnant. I could go so many places with that as to why that is so wrong, let alone nasty!

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  3. Shut up! People do that? Do you have some great stories to elaborate?? I'm suddely rethinking my career choice, yours sounds so much more interesting.

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  4. No way - people seriously try to get it on in the middle of pre term labor? Geez! Some people! and the 5 second rule - surely people don't try to eat something that has fallen on a hospital floor :( Makes me wanna vomit!

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  5. Oh and for vagina we call it va jay jay :) Don't ask me why!

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  6. One of my friends walked in on a post partum mom giving the FOB a hand job. Real classy! He couldn't even wait until after they got home?

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  7. WOW! that's all I have to say...wow.

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  8. Really? Can't they wait until they get home to have sex? Or maybe thoughts of the 8 week "no sex" rule flashed through his little brain and he figured he may as well get that last one in before the bambino pops outs! classic!
    And the 5 second rule is a myth. Heard a study about it and so now if a piece of food hits my floor at home it goes in the trash.
    Seriously though? Hospital floors? Ewwww.

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  9. See - I knew you would have good advice for when Jellybean decides to make his grand appearance! So I'm guessing packing two jars of Nutella in my hospital bag is a good idea? You know one for me and one for the nurses?

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  10. i love this post! :) 40 days til my due date!

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  11. lol, awesome list. Some of those were new to me!

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  12. oh, ewww ... 5 second rule at a hospital, ewww

    but um ... sex with monitors on? in a hospital with no locks? seriously? that's insane!

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  13. This post made me crack up!!! Thanks for that - it was much needed today :o)

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  14. Ha! Thanks for the chuckle. I am 16 weeks pregnant and taking notes :)

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  15. Oh my! Really? Like, for real? Vitamin? Sex? 5 second rule? Man alive, what have people come to.

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  16. so you know i was in the hospital for 5 weeks with broken water. my room faced the parking lot. one day my dr asked to change my room and i said NO, he said why? I said because i am allowed to stand up to go potty and every time i stand up i get to see a pregnant lady with her butt hanging out of her gown in the parking lot. the nurses said they would literally go off the monitor and sneak outside to smoke. part of me laughed at there bare UGLY butts and part of me screamed because here i was FLAT on my back trying to keep my baby in and they were getting the last nicotene in before baby

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  17. Did you actually walk in on a couple doing that?? I feel like it wouldn't even be that great on those hospital beds! What the heck?

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  18. Some things should really go without saying! Common sense isn't so common! :)

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  19. HA! Ha! Ha! Those are good! Thanks for sharing.

    On a side note... who thinks of doing that when they are in preterm labor anyways! She must resilient or something :)

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  20. I just wanted to share, I was a good girl I made sure to bring two bags of Oreo's one for the night nurses and one for the day nurses to all 3 of my deliveries. When I go to visit any new Mommies in the hospital I always bring 3 bags on my visit. One for the Mommy and 1 for each nurse shift. Could never have made it through any of my deliveries w/o those wonderful nurses.

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  21. How exactly do you pronounce "vagina"? LOL Just kidding! Cute post.

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  22. My mom knew a nurse who had a patient who wanted to name her child Placenta. There was a language barrier and the nurse tried extremely hard to explain to her what the Placenta actually was.

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  23. I love you! I am seriously cracking up right now... too funny lady!

    And now I really want to call it "the hole", just because you told me not to!

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  24. Hey! You won! On my blog! Get a hold of me for shipping information, please. :)

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  25. OMG! THIS IS SO FUNNY! I found you from Eastlyn and co. She told me you had this list up! I am going to be in L&D ANYDAY now...And I promise..NO sex... LOL

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  26. LOL.

    And I can't believe someone decided to have sex at the hospital, especially hooked up to the monitors. She must have had SERIOUS pregnancy brain! LOL

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    Вы замужем? Чем вы занимаетесь? Я решила уволиться с работы (она не приносила мне особенной пользы и удовольствия), нашла подработку, которая приносит неплохие доходы. Но у меня много свободного времени, и я не знаю, чем себя занять. Поэтому здесь интересуюсь, может и ко мне придут в голову идеи, хочу сыскать новые хобби, увлечения. Я пока не замужем, детей у меня нет. Но не подумайте, что я такая домашняя клуша, которая не ухаживает за собой и все время посмотрит сериалы. У меня есть стремление развиваться.

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