Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Mucous Plugs--For Women's Eyes Only!


If you are a man, hoping to find pajama-ed ladies having pillow fights, or...or, mud wrestling, or...ESPN sports reports...RED X RIGHT NOW!!


This post is not for you!

I promise you, man...you'll thank me later for warning you ahead of time to steer clear!

We're gonna talk about periods...

Okay, that last comment shoulda gotten rid of the last of the men stragglers, dontcha think?

Today, my lady friends, we're gonna talk about something (gosh, imagine that! A blog post...talking about something...go figure!). Something that, seemingly, has the childbearing woman keeping a close eye out for.

Something...that is kinda yucky, and personal, and well...a little slimy.

We are here today, ladies, to discuss...Mucous Plugs. In my line of work we hear a lot about these mucous plugs. And I'm here to be quite frank...and honest with you.

Pay no attention to those pesky little things.

I know, I know...you're sitting there stammering, and sputtering, and saying, "But...but...Mama M! All the pregnancy books tell us to be on the lookout for this glob of slimy discharge!!!"

And I'm here to tell you, with a gentle little pat on your head "I know, sweet young mother, I know. Those books are wrong. Mucous plugs don't mean a darn thing, my love."

I've had five kiddos of my own, and seen countless, numerous, (and pretty durn amazing) births...and I can't honestly say that I've ever seen a mucous plug.

Oh, I'm sure they exist...that cute little cork to protect that little munchkin from...stuff, but they're not worth their weight in, well...anything.

There's a standing joke amongst we Labor and Delivery nurses, when we hear, "I think I've lost my mucous plug!", what we (jokingly) want to tell those sweet young mothers is, "Well, you know...you can't be admitted until you find it!"


*Bah dum dum-ching!!*

Get it? It's lost and you have to find it before you can...well, nevermind...it's a dumb joke.

"Losing" your mucous plug means nothing more than you could go into labor in an hour or in 6 months. Really, they're totally unrelated. Kind of.

You see, when your cervix starts to dilate, your "plug" can come uncorked. If you're lucky, you'll start to do some dilating ("ripening" we like to call it) sometime around 36 weeks. A little dilation, a little effacement...so that when you do go into labor, some of the work will have already be done (painlessly) for you. This is where you may lose your mucous plug.

And it's okay.

Really. It is. I promise.

And, you don't need to go to the hospital, or heck...even call, if you lose your mucous cork.

In a totally random side story about when not to call the hospital in a panic, I once answered the phone at work, to this:

(Insert panicky voice here...) "THE HIGHWAY 23 BRIDGE IS CLOSED!!!!"

Me...(insert long pause here, I mean gosh...what do you say to that? "Gee thanks?")...so I said, "Okay?"

Ms. Panic: "BUT...BUT...THAT WAS MY ROUTE TO THE HOSPITAL!!!"

Me..."Um, ma'am. Are you in labor? Which baby is this for you?"

Ms. Panic: "NO, I'M NOT IN LABOR!! AND IT'S MY FIRST BABY! BUT, HOW AM I GOING TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL IF I DO GO INTO LABOR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Me..."When are you due? Are you contracting?"

Ms. Panic: "NOT FOR THREE WEEKS, AND I'M NOT HAVING ANY CONTRACTIONS...BUT, I MEAN, WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I GO INTO LABOR?!"

Me..."Could you hold please." Bwahahahahahaha...Hahahahaha...ha...ha. And then, I composed myself, asked around for the best alternate route to the hospital, and kindly gave it to her, reassuring her that everything would be okay, especially, since this was her first baby...and first baby's take awhile...and, you know, she wasn't in labor...and perhaps, she could use the interim time to practice driving the new route to the hospital.

She calmed down, thanked me for my time, and hung up.

And that is "Rule #2" for not panicking and calling the hospital (and Rule #1 would be the whole mucous plug issue.).

Holy smokes...I totally went astray there. Anywho...I digress.

So, mucous plugs are highly over rated...but I've heard you can google it and find some lovely pictures to compare your own glob of mucous to.

Weird.

I know. And I don't really want to see them for myself...or I'd have uploaded one to this post.

Sorry, I should really start thinking more of what you'd maybe like to see...instead of focusing on what I know I don't want to see.

So, my dears, remember, mucous plug, fluke-ous schmug. And if you have any questions or concerns...please see your doctor. (That was my disclaimer...that sentence right before this one.)

Wise woman once say: "She who loses mucous plug...loses mucous plug. End of story."

Any questions?

All my love,

27 comments:

  1. Totally gross!!! But i loved it!!

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, I loved it too. Makes me really glad I never stressed over trying to locate the darn thing. 3 pregnancies, 2 vaginal deliveries and a C at 9.5cm's, and not once did I see anything that qualified as a plug.
    But it was VERY nice of you to help that poor little first time momma find an alternate route. And to put her on hold BEFORE you busted out in laughter. :)

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  3. LOL Very well put! I wouldn't stress over it I would be excited to know that it would be coming to an end at some point!

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  4. The word mucous alone makes me want to barf.

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  5. Haha that made me chuckle :) My SIL and I were just talking about this the other day!

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  6. thanks for the advice..ill remember that about 10 yrs down the line when i have kids lol. your so fun to read!

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  7. thanks for the advice..ill remember that about 10 yrs down the line when i have kids lol. your so fun to read!

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  8. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! I was SO sick on my birth boards when everyone started talking about losing their plugs! BIG FREAK'N DEAL! Thank you for confirming what I tried to tell everyone on my birth boards.

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  9. Hilarious post! I love hearing stories of why NOT to call the hospital. Maybe I'll see you at work sometime.

    Amie (FP)

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  10. Love it! Well, your post; not the whole plug thing. Need disclaimer that those with a highly developed visual imagination should not read while eating a slice of cherry cheesecake.
    Seriously.

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  11. I'm one of "those" people that freaked out over her mucus plug. HaHa! I love this post!

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  12. Completely hilarious!

    And yet...I remember clearly being so concerned with #1 regarding this little "issue"

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  13. I am a former Doula at a hospital here in STL and I can't tell you how many times we had people come in thinking they are in labor only to discover that they had peed a little!

    We had a girl come in once through the ER because she thought she lost her mucous plug. (She didn't.) I don't even want to know how much that little trip costed!

    And they called L&D thinking that you are Mapquest apparently! LOL

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  14. Wow........ after the last few weeks, I have been in search of some bloggy humor, and I knew I had to head over here, you always have something good to offer :)

    Love it.... classic!!!!!!

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  15. P.S. Can you just imagine that "bridge is closed" lady becoming a mom... every day would be a national crisis...

    "OH MY GOSH, MY BABY WOKE UP 6 MINUTES EARLY!!!!! WHAT DO I DO??!?!"


    Wow.

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  16. Haha! Very funny. I have to say though that I did loose mine both times and went right into labor after it! So for me it was a sign!

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  17. I will have to remember that when I have kids. For some reason I don't think I will forget that now, but that is a good thing.

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  18. Wow, I picked the wrong day to come thank you for taking the plunge to a BlogFrog premium membership :)

    In all seriousness - if you titled this post something about mucous plugs, I bet you would pick up tons of search engine traffic. I bet it is often searched on, but rarely posted about.

    Thanks for being an awesome BlogFrog member!

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  19. Mama M - that was hilarious! I also got a laugh out of Rustin's comment above. I give him credit for reading the whole thing (or did he?). Love visiting your blog.

    I also wanted to say congrats on your new BlogFrog premium membership - we look forward to helping you grow your blog and reach more readers!

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  20. There are soooooo many posts/discussions all over the Internet about this popular little stringy thing, and yet it seems like it's rare to actually see the real thing. Who'd have thought women would actually WANT to see it!

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  21. That was AWESOME!

    I was hospitalized with my first baby because of high blood pressure. I remember being on the toilet and losing my plug. Can we say FREAK OUT!!!
    I pulled the nurse call thing that is in the bathroom and you should have seen them come running. Boy were they disappointed to learn it was only about a mucus plug. I bet I was the joke of the nurse's station!

    LOL LOL LOL

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  22. Hahahaha! You're a nut! This was positively the most hilarious thing I've read today and a good belly laugh is what I needed.
    That crazy call, hilarious! Some people, are just plain weird!

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  23. HAHAHAHAHA! Have I told you just how much I love your blog? I was that pregnant lady looking for her mucous plug. I "lost" mine and had my baby a few days later, but totally heard of people who lose theirs and don't have any action for quite a while. I'm sure you have all kinds of crazies calling y'all! Love, love this post!

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I love comments! And, I welcome your thoughts that aren't in agreement with mine...as long as they are respectful!

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